Recently, I experienced a “spiritual crisis”. I felt that God was calling me from a rather passive relationship with Him to something more. I was comfortable where I served at Chickasha Life Church, but I was spiritually uncomfortable. God was calling me to serve in a leadership role in the church that was completely new to me. But, I didn’t know how to do it and I wasn’t qualified. How was I supposed to step into a role that was uncomfortable to me – even if it was somewhere He wanted me to be? So I did nothing. Sound familiar?
I finally became uncomfortable enough to begin to praying for answers. If He wanted me to step up, I needed to know how to get from here to there. I needed a road map. Thoughts like “People know who I am and they know what I’ve done,” and “I don’t have enough credibility or integrity to lead,” were holding me back. There were many things in my past that I regretted and all those doubts gnawed on me day in and day out.
One day during a conversation with a friend, I read aloud Romans 8:1, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” I followed it up with Jeremiah 31:34 “I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.”
After I read these passages, I asked him, has God forgiven you and do you believe His promise that He has forgotten your sins and will not condemn you for them any longer?
He said yes.
I explained that I don’t condemn him, and that no one on earth can condemn him either! I stopped, looked down at those verses and read them again, and again. I realized what I just said to him and it brought tears to my eyes.
How could I ask someone to believe what I couldn’t accept for my own life? In that moment, God broke my spirit, and I felt His presence overwhelm me. As tears ran down my face, I asked him to forgive me and I committed to Him that I would follow Him without doubt until my last breath!
I began to listen, really listen, to God when I prayed. It was through those moments of prayer that I understood something that had held me back for years! I had allowed my past, my mistakes, and my weaknesses to disqualify me.
God has since opened my eyes in ways I haven’t experienced in years! I don’t have the right to disqualify myself, I belong to Christ! He is made strong through my weaknesses. He is glorified in spite of my past mistakes. It’s not about me, it’s about Jesus! I can now look to the future with Him, and I don’t have to focus on my past mistakes!
I pray a different prayer everyday now, “God, help me to show people who You are, so that they might see You and follow You, not me.” I write this with tears running down my face again, because I know that in spite of everything I have done, He chooses to use me to glorify Him.
Please don’t disqualify yourself. God wants to use you too. He doesn’t need your abilities, He wants your availability!